AP newswire via Matthews' Oulipian Combinatory Matrix

I've been reading about Oulipo lately. A while ago, I read a very nice translation of Feneon's Novels in Three Lines. Even longer ago, I used to play a fun game with my pals called The Story Game, which was kind of like group Mad Libs with no pre-existing text. Now all these things are brought together for you in my new and possibly one time only feature - "oul-A.P.-o". I began with six newswire articles from April 2. Then I made a chart. Then I did some other stuff with the chart while watching Top Chef reruns (because CSI reruns weren't on - why?!!!)

Here is your news:

Apr 2nd, 2008 | LAS VEGAS -- Verizon Wireless is joining Sprint Nextel Corp. in jumping on the latest craze in the wireless world: unmanned “Predator B” flying drones, unarmed civilian adaptations of missile-toting drones used by the U.S. military in Iraq and Afghanistan. Shoppers were surprised. A spokeswoman said they were being treated symptomatically, but declined to say what symptoms were being treated. "No area will be exempt," she said.

Apr 2nd, 2008 | ALLEGAN, Mich. -- Fifth-grader Kenton Stufflebeam will be increasing his program of remotely flying his roommate Michael over Wal-mart, a supermarket, and a Mall. Still, he is taking few chances of further injuring the two-time All-American -- Stufflebeam’s stock plunged by about 25% on Monday. "Where we spend a lot of time is figuring, 'Where is that balance? Where does it make sense for our customers, and where does it fit into our strategy?'" he said.

Apr 2nd, 2008 | SIERRA VISTA, Ariz. – The Federal Agency for Customs and Border Protection was convicted of killing three sheriff’s deputies for the Southeastern Conference women’s tournament championship. The Chief Executive Officer has told media outlets that these initiatives respond to dramatically intensifying conditions in the industry. A spokeswoman said that customer feedback has been positive and that there have not been any issues with interference: "The Precambrian is a dimensionless unit of time, which embraces all the time between the origin of Earth and the beginning of the Cambrian Period of geologic time."

Apr 2nd, 2008 | ROCKVILLE, Md. -- A former Army Ranger sent his injured star player Candace Parker to reduce headcount by 10 percent, primarily in the United States and including everything from plant consolidations and streamlining of management to trimming overhead and spending on research and development. There's still some skepticism toward the technology, although the former Army Ranger has received a letter telling him he was “spot on.” "That's like a little red finger from God coming down and saying, 'Hey, there's some guy under that tree right there.' Very effective," he said.

Apr 2nd, 2008 | LIMA, Ohio -- A judge feels really good about his chances of overcoming another $1 billion in annualized cost cuts through layoffs and other reductions in Denver, Indianapolis and Nashville, Tenn. His father took him to the information desk to report his concerns on a comment form. The information is gathered for security purposes, primarily in vast and remote areas. After several changes in his story, he told police he panicked and dumped the gun into a nearby lake.

Apr 2nd, 2008 | KNOXVILLE, Tenn. – Lady Volunteers Coach Pat Summitt announced a new program offering little boxes called femtocells that boost cell-phone coverage in the Smithsonian Institution's National Museum of Natural History in Washington. Officials say intelligence gathering is a part of the program, but critics question whether it doesn't abuse the privacy of American citizens. Jurors deliberated for about six hours. Three deputies questioned mall walkers and shoppers whether they were Allen County residents and registered voters, and then issued summonses on the spot if answers to both questions were 'yes,' sheriff's Sgt. Brian Winegardner said.

Apr 2nd, 2008 | TRENTON, N.J. – Schering-Plough Corp. is promoting an error along the Southwestern border of the United States. The error is G. Smith, who grew up in Montgomery County. He is back in the area but he is having trouble dealing with the effects of his military service, which included a tour in Iraq. He has been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. Schering-Plough Corp., a pharmaceutical company, has stated that this is the only the second time this has happened in twenty years. A spokesperson said "We need our legs, and we need to be mentally sharp as well. Less is more in this situation."