I am very sorry. Sometimes these things just come over me.

It is probably the BAD angel

So, here it is Day 4 and I am posting. I am also going to pre-load posts for launch tomorrow and the next day because tomorrow and the next day I will not be posting in person.

The angel I refer to is one of the cartoon angels everybody has on each shoulder that tug in opposing directions. Usually the tug is portrayed as between good and evil, but that seems a bit two dimensional. There are probably at least 64 angels, if it is a binary thing. But, the angel in question is the one that occasionally pipes up about somehow getting a lot of public attention. Fame and fortune and everything that goes with it (hopefully, excellent health insurance and better possibilities for subverting American literary culture).

That angel says "You are photogenic, well-spoken, and you have a fascinating medical condition that will probably kill you without deteriorating your looks! Write a poignant meditation on the fragility and beauty of life and it is next stop, Good Morning America! First, we take Manhattan, baby!"

When I think about how many people I would have to talk to every day if I did that, plus all the other items on the very long list of reasons I have not done that so far, I get tired all over and just buy a lotto ticket. I had a long odds totally random bad thing happen to me, I figure I am due for a long odds totally random satisfying thing that could definitely include excellent health insurance and possibilities for subverting American literary culture.

Best regards to you all.

The Only Thing That is Difficult

The only thing that is difficult is putting your pants on over your head. In theory, it is possible and would even be easy that I could do at least one post every day for a year (excluding Jan 1st, which I missed).

It is calculated future disappointment for me to set out projects like this. If I do this one, several days will read "'Here Is a Post for Today' - A post for today." Just so you know.

What to say. OK. I read a book yesterday and am reading another one today that have me a little riled up about online communication. The one I am still reading has an obvious connection. "DIY: The Rise of Lo-Fi Culture" by Amy Spencer. The rise and evolution of 'Zines and other DIY anti-mainstream self-produced culture. It is pretty interesting stuff - tracing threads from Dada to punk to queercore to riotgrrl to crafting. I recommend it, at about 100 pages in.

The other book, the one I read yesterday is a less obvious candidate for "get somebody riled up about actively participating in communication online." The book is "Love All the People" and is a collection of all of Bill Hick's words - sets, interviews, notes, sayings, articles. Highly recommended. He was a fire and brimstone preacher/shaman who was visible in this dimension as a stand-up comedian. He is a personal hero of mine.

Well, the obvious connections between me and him are Georgia, religious upbringing, dedicated smoking, and terminal cancer totally unrelated to smoking. He had less than a year after his diagnosis (pancreatic metastasized to liver, advanced stage IV). I was anticipating less than five years at diagnosis (right temporal mixed glioma, low stage III), but that was almost eight years ago.

His modus of righteous fury and catharsis could never be mine, but it is tremendous and wonderful. It is not a matter of "agreeing" with everything he says, and I don't laugh at everything in his set, but he was righteous and motivated and true to his self. I hope I can be as well.

He did not understand why it was so difficult for the American media to grok what he was up to - his audiences were often totally on board. He was huge in England.

It was inspiring (and a little wearying) to read his work and be reminded so forcefully of my own abortive lunges toward more public avenues for attempting reclamation of some particularly noxious cultural waste. I had a recommendation lined up from Kenneth Koch for applying to MFA programs and then realized I would never write what I need to write if I went through academic channels for poetry. I repeatedly attempted in high school, college, and out in the world to get involved with video, writing, and comedy scenes and found that attractive women who did not want to date any of the guys there (and were funnier than the guys there) rarely get an invite to the next meeting. Many women do get into the scene, and I do feel that I have a personality issue that conflicted with the folks I tried to interact with. And yet, and yet, and yet. I still believe that American culture needs the cleansing fire from somewhere, and not nearly enough people are producing it.

I am trying to find them, they must be out there. It could be prose, it could be poetry, and there is probably a great deal of it in what is called (hilariously) comedy. I follow these guys on podcasts and Twitter and they are talented and funny, but they are guys (not adults), and it seems they are in a bit of a "Warmed-over-Bill-Hicks" rut, like they heard his words but never listened to what he was saying. I am not sure whether they are listening to anyone but each other. Makes me want to throw my shoes at their heads. Oh well.

Say hey, Mr. Senator Kennedy, sir -

Right. This is an outburst of the kind of thinking and feeling that I normally endeavor to save for therapy appointments or venting to friends.

Senator Ted Kennedy had a big seizure and was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. This catches my attention, even though I am doing my best to ignore as many Senators as possible at least until after the '08 presidential election. I have a malignant brain tumor myself, diagnosed after I had a big seizure. Sen. Kennedy and I have some other stuff in common - disrupted legal careers, excellent government health insurance, we're both alright for rich white people. He is way richer and far more powerful. I am younger, healthier and better looking.

I have a much better brain tumor than he does though - operable (near-full resection in 2001), right temporal. That it is on the right side means that post surgery I have a little more trouble finding my car again after I have parked it, and don't always recognize that I have met someone before. My language is fine. I still have my words. They implied I had 5 or so years to live when I was diagnosed at 29 yrs old, and these days (at 36 yrs old) I am thinking I have a decent shot at making it to 45 with a reasonable number of marbles intact. The scientific literature I have perused describes my kind of glioma as "indolent" (albeit capable of speeding up at some point).

Sen. Kennedy is old and has some other health problems. His tumor is in the left side (words) and seems like it might be pretty aggressive. That is all bad news. The article I linked said maybe 3 years survival for him, but didn't really go into his possible loss of function. It might be very bad and difficult, and all the treatments attack the rest of your body along with the cancer. That really sucks for him and his family.

So what is my problem? I don't hate Sen. Kennedy. I like him fine. I like his Irish whiskey nose and general legislative bad-assery, to the extent that I know anything about politics. I am not glad he has a malignant brain tumor. Nobody should be glad about anybody having a malignant brain tumor.

My problem is I am angry about some bullshit. The bullshit in that article and in all the other articles I read that reminds me of how angry I am about my own tumor. The bullshit in the articles that is pissing me off right now is the "He's a fighter" bullshit. I have a brain tumor - listen to me - SHUT UP. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

Now listen:

Cancer doesn't care if you are a fighter. Your family cares - it helps keep their hopes up. Your doctors care - it helps them face you honestly and be good doctors to you. So, there are good reasons to be a fighter and it will probably make the whole process easier for many people.

BUT. I'll say it again, louder: CANCER DOESN'T CARE IF YOU ARE A FIGHTER.

I thought one time I wanted to learn how to fly a plane. My dad had done that for a while, until all the kids were born and he decided that being able to pay the mortgage and giving up a potentially fatal hobby were both good things. He sat me down and said I could only go for flying lessons if I understood that the plane was just a hunk of metal. It doesn't feel, it doesn't love me, it doesn't want to fly. It is matter with mass. Gravity works on it. A plane is a hunk of machinery that wants to fall out of the sky. Flying a plane is just keeping it from falling.

I eventually decided against lessons. And, cancer is cancer. It is not a demon or a bad mood or an enemy that shall be defeated with the right attitude and plucky can-do spirit.

Anyway. I am pissed off by all of those quotes in the articles about Sen. Kennedy's brain tumor about how he is a fighter. So - "Yeah cancer cancer, but he's a fighter, so everything is cool"? Or - "Let's start pretending he's already dead and he died with his boots on. Go us!"? Or, "He will survive this because I want him to and he deserves to live more than other people do!" To heck with those guys, except his son, who does have a right to say that - just like my Mom has a right to say it about me.

And for that matter - by all means, pray. Baptists, Methodists, Buddhists, Mennonites, Hindus, Catholics, Jews, and Presbyterians have all prayed for me at various stages of treatment and I have lasted a surprisingly long time in surprisingly good shape. I try to let everyone know that I appreciate their support and am keeping up a good attitude. That I am FIGHTING. It makes the people I care about feel better, but the way people outside the real personal situation of cancer talk about it sometimes just pisses the hell out of me.

This is just the luck of the draw. For all I know it is the Marlboro Reds that have been holding that sucker at bay all these years.

Hey! Another Oul-AP-o

.

See the last entry for more of an explanation of this process. The only difference with these is that this time I was watching Big Trouble in Little China and Bizarre Foods because CSI reruns weren't on. Here is your mixed up news:

Apr 8th, 2008 | LOS ANGELES -- A man who says he worked as a bodyguard called off research into and surveillance of traumatic brain injuries in exchange for $213 million. Documents released Tuesday gave details about the hushed phone calls that triggered the raid - he averages 13.5 points and nine rebounds. "It has caused losses in the millions economically ... and ultimately it has deprived western New York of vibrant economic growth," said FBI Special Agent-in-Charge L. Bennett.

Apr 8th, 2008 | BOGOTA, Colombia – France voted Tuesday to expand Iomega Corp. with girls spiritually married to much older men as soon as they reached puberty and boys groomed to perpetuate the cycle. A 16-year veteran was obtained earlier this season. The president of the group was among those charged with extortion and racketeering after a five-year investigation. In court papers, the plaintiff claimed breach of oral contract and violation of four California labor codes, in addition to fraud and infliction of emotional distress.

Apr 8th, 2008 | WASHINGTON – The U.S. House of Representatives said Tuesday it would acquire sexual abuse because of a right hip contusion. Some of the crimes were aided by its access to state motor vehicle records. In an unrelated development, it has sued actress Lindsay Lohan and her company, claiming it is owed more than $55,000 in unpaid wages. French President Nicolas Sarkozy's office said he is "deeply disappointed."

Apr 8th, 2008 | BOSTON -- Data storage provider EMC Corp. is rife with Memphis Grizzlies (members of a National Basketball Association team based in Memphis Tenn.) attacking non-union workers and their families. Calls to EMC Corp.’s publicist were not immediately returned. The Grizzlies insist, as they have since 2005, that the government de-militarize two counties. Senator Chris Dodd said "we are another step closer to ensuring that every baby born in the United States will be tested for a full panel of genetic and metabolic disorders."

Apr 8th, 2008 | ELDORADO, Texas -- A polygamist compound with hundreds of children sat out Tuesday night against a decade of attacks, but was not paid for its services. The Foreign Ministry said late Tuesday that there was no longer any reason to keep the mission. The polygamist compound supports Health Resources Service Administration grants to fund state projects to improve access to rehabilitation. A representative said this should not have any material impact on its full-year earnings.

Apr 8th, 2008 | MEMPHIS, Tenn. -- Phoenix Suns center Shaquille O'Neal was arrested and charged with two weeks of 24-hour personal security and 17 weeks of evening duty to treat and possibly free an ailing hostage. Similar legislation was already approved by the Senate, and the Senate is expected to act soon to send it to President Bush for his signature. A San Diego-based storage company had rejected that offer earlier this year, calling it inferior to a proposed all-stock transaction. Church lawyer Patrick Peranteau did not immediately return a phone message seeking comment Tuesday.

Apr 8th, 2008 | BUFFALO, N.Y. -- A dozen leaders and members of a construction union say they are owed $4000 a week for a humanitarian mission that affects some 1.5 million Americans every year and has come to be the signature wound of the war in Iraq. This expands their offerings targeting small businesses and consumers. Authorities completed a search of the gleaming 80-foot-high temple, a cheese-making plant, a cement plant, a school, a doctor's office and housing units and said that they took a knee to the hip in their 105-98 loss against Dallas on Sunday.

AP newswire via Matthews' Oulipian Combinatory Matrix

I've been reading about Oulipo lately. A while ago, I read a very nice translation of Feneon's Novels in Three Lines. Even longer ago, I used to play a fun game with my pals called The Story Game, which was kind of like group Mad Libs with no pre-existing text. Now all these things are brought together for you in my new and possibly one time only feature - "oul-A.P.-o". I began with six newswire articles from April 2. Then I made a chart. Then I did some other stuff with the chart while watching Top Chef reruns (because CSI reruns weren't on - why?!!!)

Here is your news:

Apr 2nd, 2008 | LAS VEGAS -- Verizon Wireless is joining Sprint Nextel Corp. in jumping on the latest craze in the wireless world: unmanned “Predator B” flying drones, unarmed civilian adaptations of missile-toting drones used by the U.S. military in Iraq and Afghanistan. Shoppers were surprised. A spokeswoman said they were being treated symptomatically, but declined to say what symptoms were being treated. "No area will be exempt," she said.

Apr 2nd, 2008 | ALLEGAN, Mich. -- Fifth-grader Kenton Stufflebeam will be increasing his program of remotely flying his roommate Michael over Wal-mart, a supermarket, and a Mall. Still, he is taking few chances of further injuring the two-time All-American -- Stufflebeam’s stock plunged by about 25% on Monday. "Where we spend a lot of time is figuring, 'Where is that balance? Where does it make sense for our customers, and where does it fit into our strategy?'" he said.

Apr 2nd, 2008 | SIERRA VISTA, Ariz. – The Federal Agency for Customs and Border Protection was convicted of killing three sheriff’s deputies for the Southeastern Conference women’s tournament championship. The Chief Executive Officer has told media outlets that these initiatives respond to dramatically intensifying conditions in the industry. A spokeswoman said that customer feedback has been positive and that there have not been any issues with interference: "The Precambrian is a dimensionless unit of time, which embraces all the time between the origin of Earth and the beginning of the Cambrian Period of geologic time."

Apr 2nd, 2008 | ROCKVILLE, Md. -- A former Army Ranger sent his injured star player Candace Parker to reduce headcount by 10 percent, primarily in the United States and including everything from plant consolidations and streamlining of management to trimming overhead and spending on research and development. There's still some skepticism toward the technology, although the former Army Ranger has received a letter telling him he was “spot on.” "That's like a little red finger from God coming down and saying, 'Hey, there's some guy under that tree right there.' Very effective," he said.

Apr 2nd, 2008 | LIMA, Ohio -- A judge feels really good about his chances of overcoming another $1 billion in annualized cost cuts through layoffs and other reductions in Denver, Indianapolis and Nashville, Tenn. His father took him to the information desk to report his concerns on a comment form. The information is gathered for security purposes, primarily in vast and remote areas. After several changes in his story, he told police he panicked and dumped the gun into a nearby lake.

Apr 2nd, 2008 | KNOXVILLE, Tenn. – Lady Volunteers Coach Pat Summitt announced a new program offering little boxes called femtocells that boost cell-phone coverage in the Smithsonian Institution's National Museum of Natural History in Washington. Officials say intelligence gathering is a part of the program, but critics question whether it doesn't abuse the privacy of American citizens. Jurors deliberated for about six hours. Three deputies questioned mall walkers and shoppers whether they were Allen County residents and registered voters, and then issued summonses on the spot if answers to both questions were 'yes,' sheriff's Sgt. Brian Winegardner said.

Apr 2nd, 2008 | TRENTON, N.J. – Schering-Plough Corp. is promoting an error along the Southwestern border of the United States. The error is G. Smith, who grew up in Montgomery County. He is back in the area but he is having trouble dealing with the effects of his military service, which included a tour in Iraq. He has been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. Schering-Plough Corp., a pharmaceutical company, has stated that this is the only the second time this has happened in twenty years. A spokesperson said "We need our legs, and we need to be mentally sharp as well. Less is more in this situation."

Fun with Signs in Tennessee - Part 2!

.
So - Julie Puttgen sent me this photo of a sign she sees on the drive to the Nashville, TN, airport:


Her comment essentially was, "Is this OPOYUL~ or what?" And, "This bothers me in a 'so what is the subconscious part' kind of way" (of which more later). The sign says

• 1) "Sherriff's Correctional Complex" [fair enough, I can't see anyone without a 'correctional complex' achieving the job of Sherriff];

• 2) "Offender Re-entry Center" [?! We need some subject/object clarification here]; and

• 3) "Metro Animal Control" [?!!!!! Julie entitled the photo "Animal Offender" and I laughed, but now that I think it through, the implications of the sign taken as a whole could be much spookier -- I still want to do that graphic novel about all the abused suburban animals rounding up a bunch of humans for their own Death Race 2000.]

It is OPOYUL~Y in a hard to pin down way. There is something very simple and obvious to be communicated here, but at the same time is aimed only at people who have specific business there and already know exactly what is going on. So, the official/ formal/ appropriate words are superfluous as to their intended audience and meaningless to everyone else. The new term I am making up right this moment for such an unsatisfactory usage is contralogism. It is efficient and often necessary to perpetrate the old contralogism now and then, especially in the legal field, but it hurts a little to see language flapping uselessly/meaninglessly beside the road that way.



The "so, what is the subconscious part" is something mentioned in the very useful book The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "I think I am subconsciously avoiding having sex with my wife." The psychiatrist, very psychiatristily, says "Why do you think that?" The man says, "Well, every night I watch TV until an hour after she goes to bed, and then, if it turns out she is still awake, I go back and watch TV until I am sure she is asleep. I figure I must be subconsciously avoiding the possibility of sex with her." The psychiatrist then asks, "What's the subconscious part?"

I can achieve certain goals.

A camera is purchased and should be here tomorrow. Then I will take pictures of things and there will be something to look at here. In the meantime, there is this poem about the homeless person who jumped off Spring Street a few days ago. I was sick that day and my car was in the shop anyway so I would have missed the whole thing regardless. Networks were the only source of information I have about this incident.