Wednesday, April 16, 2008

An Interruption in Weekly Service

There is no oul-AP-o yet this week. I was tired last night. And The Producers was on. I expect to get another installment posted later this week.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Hey! Another Oul-AP-o


See the last entry for more of an explanation of this process. The only difference with these is that this time I was watching Big Trouble in Little China and Bizarre Foods because CSI reruns weren't on. Here is your mixed up news:

Apr 8th, 2008 | LOS ANGELES -- A man who says he worked as a bodyguard called off research into and surveillance of traumatic brain injuries in exchange for $213 million. Documents released Tuesday gave details about the hushed phone calls that triggered the raid - he averages 13.5 points and nine rebounds. "It has caused losses in the millions economically ... and ultimately it has deprived western New York of vibrant economic growth," said FBI Special Agent-in-Charge L. Bennett.

Apr 8th, 2008 | BOGOTA, Colombia – France voted Tuesday to expand Iomega Corp. with girls spiritually married to much older men as soon as they reached puberty and boys groomed to perpetuate the cycle. A 16-year veteran was obtained earlier this season. The president of the group was among those charged with extortion and racketeering after a five-year investigation. In court papers, the plaintiff claimed breach of oral contract and violation of four California labor codes, in addition to fraud and infliction of emotional distress.

Apr 8th, 2008 | WASHINGTON – The U.S. House of Representatives said Tuesday it would acquire sexual abuse because of a right hip contusion. Some of the crimes were aided by its access to state motor vehicle records. In an unrelated development, it has sued actress Lindsay Lohan and her company, claiming it is owed more than $55,000 in unpaid wages. French President Nicolas Sarkozy's office said he is "deeply disappointed."

Apr 8th, 2008 | BOSTON -- Data storage provider EMC Corp. is rife with Memphis Grizzlies (members of a National Basketball Association team based in Memphis Tenn.) attacking non-union workers and their families. Calls to EMC Corp.’s publicist were not immediately returned. The Grizzlies insist, as they have since 2005, that the government de-militarize two counties. Senator Chris Dodd said "we are another step closer to ensuring that every baby born in the United States will be tested for a full panel of genetic and metabolic disorders."

Apr 8th, 2008 | ELDORADO, Texas -- A polygamist compound with hundreds of children sat out Tuesday night against a decade of attacks, but was not paid for its services. The Foreign Ministry said late Tuesday that there was no longer any reason to keep the mission. The polygamist compound supports Health Resources Service Administration grants to fund state projects to improve access to rehabilitation. A representative said this should not have any material impact on its full-year earnings.

Apr 8th, 2008 | MEMPHIS, Tenn. -- Phoenix Suns center Shaquille O'Neal was arrested and charged with two weeks of 24-hour personal security and 17 weeks of evening duty to treat and possibly free an ailing hostage. Similar legislation was already approved by the Senate, and the Senate is expected to act soon to send it to President Bush for his signature. A San Diego-based storage company had rejected that offer earlier this year, calling it inferior to a proposed all-stock transaction. Church lawyer Patrick Peranteau did not immediately return a phone message seeking comment Tuesday.

Apr 8th, 2008 | BUFFALO, N.Y. -- A dozen leaders and members of a construction union say they are owed $4000 a week for a humanitarian mission that affects some 1.5 million Americans every year and has come to be the signature wound of the war in Iraq. This expands their offerings targeting small businesses and consumers. Authorities completed a search of the gleaming 80-foot-high temple, a cheese-making plant, a cement plant, a school, a doctor's office and housing units and said that they took a knee to the hip in their 105-98 loss against Dallas on Sunday.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

AP newswire via Matthews' Oulipian Combinatory Matrix

I've been reading about Oulipo lately. A while ago, I read a very nice translation of Feneon's Novels in Three Lines. Even longer ago, I used to play a fun game with my pals called The Story Game, which was kind of like group Mad Libs with no pre-existing text. Now all these things are brought together for you in my new and possibly one time only feature - "oul-A.P.-o". I began with six newswire articles from April 2. Then I made a chart. Then I did some other stuff with the chart while watching Top Chef reruns (because CSI reruns weren't on - why?!!!)

Here is your news:

Apr 2nd, 2008 | LAS VEGAS -- Verizon Wireless is joining Sprint Nextel Corp. in jumping on the latest craze in the wireless world: unmanned “Predator B” flying drones, unarmed civilian adaptations of missile-toting drones used by the U.S. military in Iraq and Afghanistan. Shoppers were surprised. A spokeswoman said they were being treated symptomatically, but declined to say what symptoms were being treated. "No area will be exempt," she said.

Apr 2nd, 2008 | ALLEGAN, Mich. -- Fifth-grader Kenton Stufflebeam will be increasing his program of remotely flying his roommate Michael over Wal-mart, a supermarket, and a Mall. Still, he is taking few chances of further injuring the two-time All-American -- Stufflebeam’s stock plunged by about 25% on Monday. "Where we spend a lot of time is figuring, 'Where is that balance? Where does it make sense for our customers, and where does it fit into our strategy?'" he said.

Apr 2nd, 2008 | SIERRA VISTA, Ariz. – The Federal Agency for Customs and Border Protection was convicted of killing three sheriff’s deputies for the Southeastern Conference women’s tournament championship. The Chief Executive Officer has told media outlets that these initiatives respond to dramatically intensifying conditions in the industry. A spokeswoman said that customer feedback has been positive and that there have not been any issues with interference: "The Precambrian is a dimensionless unit of time, which embraces all the time between the origin of Earth and the beginning of the Cambrian Period of geologic time."

Apr 2nd, 2008 | ROCKVILLE, Md. -- A former Army Ranger sent his injured star player Candace Parker to reduce headcount by 10 percent, primarily in the United States and including everything from plant consolidations and streamlining of management to trimming overhead and spending on research and development. There's still some skepticism toward the technology, although the former Army Ranger has received a letter telling him he was “spot on.” "That's like a little red finger from God coming down and saying, 'Hey, there's some guy under that tree right there.' Very effective," he said.

Apr 2nd, 2008 | LIMA, Ohio -- A judge feels really good about his chances of overcoming another $1 billion in annualized cost cuts through layoffs and other reductions in Denver, Indianapolis and Nashville, Tenn. His father took him to the information desk to report his concerns on a comment form. The information is gathered for security purposes, primarily in vast and remote areas. After several changes in his story, he told police he panicked and dumped the gun into a nearby lake.

Apr 2nd, 2008 | KNOXVILLE, Tenn. – Lady Volunteers Coach Pat Summitt announced a new program offering little boxes called femtocells that boost cell-phone coverage in the Smithsonian Institution's National Museum of Natural History in Washington. Officials say intelligence gathering is a part of the program, but critics question whether it doesn't abuse the privacy of American citizens. Jurors deliberated for about six hours. Three deputies questioned mall walkers and shoppers whether they were Allen County residents and registered voters, and then issued summonses on the spot if answers to both questions were 'yes,' sheriff's Sgt. Brian Winegardner said.

Apr 2nd, 2008 | TRENTON, N.J. – Schering-Plough Corp. is promoting an error along the Southwestern border of the United States. The error is G. Smith, who grew up in Montgomery County. He is back in the area but he is having trouble dealing with the effects of his military service, which included a tour in Iraq. He has been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. Schering-Plough Corp., a pharmaceutical company, has stated that this is the only the second time this has happened in twenty years. A spokesperson said "We need our legs, and we need to be mentally sharp as well. Less is more in this situation."